Trust

Trust, something a sexual abuse survivor (sas) constantly unconsciously struggled with. Here in Longji (龍脊) I would rather walk on my own in an unknown steep mountain with a very heavy rucksack, than to follow any of those Zhuang women (壯族阿姨) who offers to provide accommodation, or show me the way and carry my rucksack to where I need to go for 30 yuan.

At first, I thought I was just stingy. Yet as I walked up the very steep stairs of an unknown route, I realised, I was more comfortable with being on an unknown route completely on my own, than to be taken by a woman who knew exactly where she was going. Somehow, constantly having to pay attention to every single step I took seemed safer than following a random Zhuang woman wherever they go. Being an sas, I instinctively want to be in control, to trust myself and only myself. Others might be experts but no, I would rather trust my ignorance than anyone else’s wisdom.

This often leaves me in lonely despair. A lonely despair I am so used to. A lonely despair that on a good day drives me to overcome whatever challenges ahead (be it meaningful or not); a lonely despair that on a bad day drives me to breakdown that I only have myself to blame.

Anyway, after about an hour and a half, a Yangzhou fried rice and a cup of lemon juice, I arrived at the hostel, having made a friend, a roommate, a companion to catch the sunrise the next day, a travel buddy for life. I am proud of myself for overcoming the challenge of making my way in an unknown mountain. See, I even gain the perks of nice food and a travel companion. Does that make the independent hike a meaningful challenge?

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A new beginning

Here is to a new beginning, I do not expect it to be easy, but it is new, and it is a beginning of the next phase of my life.

Right now, on a day that I am stable enough to build a website that I have been thinking about since December, I do not have many dramatic emotions to show. I am in Hong Kong, having visited my family, extended family and friends for two weeks, I am about to travel in China tomorrow.

The last two weeks of seeing family and friends have been exhausting. I went through days of rather bad anxiety which I cried non-stop for two days. But God is good and I stablised as I began to contact my closest friends. Yesterday, over Skype, I met with my counsellor for the second time. I felt much more peaceful, knowing it is OK to listen to my body, even when I had been extremely anxious and my cognitive side has told me over and over again to ignore my feelings. I am pleased to know she thinks I have done the right thing. Even though, to be honest, my cognitive side told me not to believe in her.

I have learnt and grown so much over the past two weeks, but I will leave this post short as this for now, and will share with you later, hopefully as I travelled.

Thanks for being my good friends.

x

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