In March 2016, I took a year off work. During my sabbatical leave, I applied to work with various missionary organisations, yet God has closed the doors for all applications. From September 2016, I spent three months at L’Abri Fellowship, Hampshire, where I planned to learn more about philosophy, theology, psychology and to find my calling.
A few weeks in, my focus at L’Abri has completely changed as I told my tutor that I am a childhood sex abuse survivor. I shared this piece of “information” with her as a matter of fact. I have always considered the abuse as a matter of fact that happened in the past. Up till then, I have never asked how I felt about the abuse, nor about anything in life in general. It only just dawned on me my rational, logical way of thinking which I have always been proud of was precisely the reason why I felt so bored about my life.
I spent the rest of the term reading Dan Allender’s book “The Wounded Heart, Hope for adult victims of childhood sex abuse”. I felt as though it was the first time since the abuse I see the world in its beautiful colour again. The first time I felt the tiny moments of joy and laughter again. The first time I understood why other people laugh (at so many jokes that I didn’t find funny).
Being able to feel again is overwhelming at times. I only just began to know how my mood (and others’) can swing so much, so fast. My emotions, as I began to acknowledge them seems so uncontrollable I sometimes felt its easier to revert back to my rational, logical self. But I knew that would be going a step backward.
So I decided to start an online diary, so as to have an outlet for my emotions as they come, and to share with my closest friends my deepest feelings and my irrational thoughts. The part of me that I haven’t accepted about myself, the part of me I entrusted with you today!
I am not sure if this site will evolved into something else in the future, or if I will ever invite a wider range of audience. For now, it is for a selected group of people I chose to share with. I have also made it public and searchable, in case other survivors browsing the internet would like to read it. Let me know if you think that’s a bad idea.